Marriage is a serious commitment but you’re never stuck

I want my girls to know they should enter into a marriage with the intention of it being a commitment for life, BUT if they find themselves in a relationship that truly has no path forward, they are not stuck. They deserve a happy life. Marriage requires consistent work and full participation, but sometimes even with the best of efforts and intentions things don’t work out. Don’t stay in something that causes you more hurt than happiness.

A man is not a financial plan (neither is a woman)

Partners can and should grow financially together, but relying on one person to carry the entire financial responsibility is not prudent nor wise. Make sure you can always provide for yourself if needed.

Always communicate openly, honestly, and with kindness

Money discussions don’t have to be hostile or come from a place of defensiveness. When you talk about money, approach the conversation with empathy and patience (even and especially when it’s difficult to do so!!). Do not start money conversations with blame or shame. I promise this will lead to a more fruitful discussion and happier life. Early on in my marriage I made the conscious decision to make a change and approach tough topics knowing my partner is well intended and doesn’t deserve to be attacked. This has made a world of difference.

Transparency and shared goals are the secret to success

Before you get married, make sure you know what your partner’s financial situation looks like and that you’ve set some shared goals together. Openness about your money creates and atmosphere where it’s easier to collaborate and work together toward the life you want. When I first got married, I was still paying down my student loans. I was honest about this debt and communicated my plan for paying it off.

Continue to work on yourself and support your partner’s self-development

Never stop learning and working on becoming the best version of yourself. And when your partner is doing the same, support them! For as long as we’re here on this Earth, we will continue to be flawed humans. The best we can do is try to improve each and every day. We owe it to ourselves and to those we commit our lives to. Grow with each other.

Decide on your family’s values

When you get married you are forming a brand new family. Whether it remains just the two of you, or you decide to add a few kids, a dog, and maybe a hamster, decide early on your family values. What do you believe as a unit? For my family, we value each other before all else. We treat each other with kindness. We support each other’s dreams. We cherish time together. We don’t say ‘shut up’ or yell at each other. We cheer exclusively for Boston-based teams (okay, maybe I threw this one in without discussing it. I married a misguided New York fan. I CAN FIX HIM!)

Remember the wedding is just one day, a marriage is (hopefully) forever

I see so many young couples absolutely fret over the wedding. Yes, the wedding is an extraordinarily special day and event. I want my daughters to enjoy every moment of their wedding. But I want them to realize, your marriage is not your wedding. The wedding is one day and then it’s just you and your spouse cooking dinner night after night after night (no one warned me how much of my life would be spent trying to figure out what to make for dinner). The size, location, and cost of the wedding isn’t what matters. Don’t get lost in the planning. Focus on what matters — committing yourselves to one another and deciding who is going to make dinner every night for the next 50+ years.

Spend on things that improve the quality of your lives

Contrary to popular belief, there’s nothing wrong with spending money! When folks get into a position where they have a little extra cash to spend (of course this means bills are paid and goals are funded), I think it’s important to spend guilt-free and according to your values. Don’t buy junk just to have it. Be intentional with your fun money and don’t be afraid to spend on items or services that enhance your life. For me, this means splurging on professional house cleaning every two weeks and a nice massage every now and again.

Money isn’t everything, but it can buy peace of mind

Okay, this is controversial but I agreed with Ariana Grande when she sang “whoever said money can’t solve your problems, must not have had enough money to solve them.” Money won’t solve all of your issues, but it can certainly get you quite close. For example, money is necessary to fulfill our basic necessities (housing, clothing, food), but beyond that we can use money to be healthier, pay for therapy, get out of a bad situation, buy back our time, be generous to causes we care about. Money, used wisely, can buy you peace of mind.

Your mama is here and my door’s always open

Lastly, I want my girls to know I am their safety net. Yes, I expect them to work hard and provide for themselves as adults. Yes, I believe in personal accountability and responsibility. No, I am not here to be the perpetual Bank of Mom & Dad. But should they fall on difficult times or circumstances, my door is always open to them. They should never hesitate to ask me or their Dad for help. I want them to take calculated risks in this life knowing they have my full support. They’ll never have to question my love or devotion. As my mom always told me, my daughters are my heart walking outside of my chest. That’ll never change.