Let's Talk Sandwiches

I’m writing this on the coldest day of the year. The wind is howling. I am 32.5 weeks pregnant. The vibes aren’t great if I’m being totally honest. I need spring and I needed it yesterday.

With a toddler and new baby on the way, and as my MUCH MUCH OLDER (6 months older) husband and I approach the final years of our 30s, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Well, maybe more like stressing and worrying. How did we go from hot and fun 20-somethings to staring down the barrel of 40 literally OVERNIGHT. My mind still thinks I’m a 17-year-old athlete who can eat whatever I want, but my body says I need to lay down before my sciatica flares up again.

One thing that’s been on my mind, and the minds of many of my friends, is this chapter we’re entering with the responsibility of raising our young families and also caring for our aging parents and/or relatives. This is not exactly a new issue, but right now it’s exasperated for a few reasons:

1. Millennials like myself waited longer to have children. Therefore, our kids are younger while our parents are reaching their 70s and beyond.

2. The cost of caring for children and caring for the elderly continues to rocket higher than Elon Musk on a ketamine fueled Space-X ride.

3. Millennials have younger children while their parents, in general, are living longer but in poorer health.

4. Our society is not built to support folks who have multi-generational caregiving responsibilities. DUH.

This creates quite the dilemma, commonly known as being SANDWICHED. Gen X survived it, but at a tremendous cost financially and emotionally. Other countries, frankly, do a better job at navigating this delicate time. In most countries, childcare doesn’t cost tens of thousands of dollars per year and elder care doesn’t average $300,000 per couple. These numbers are INSANE.

Millions of Millennials in the next decade will enter their sandwich phase. I personally prefer a good turkey sub. While you may need to scale back on your own personal savings during this time of increased overhead, there are steps you can take to prepare:

1. Have honest conversations with your parents/older relatives.

   1. What does their financial situation really look like?

   2. What are their expectations regarding care? (The who/what/when/where of it all)

   3. How is their overall health right now?

   4. What kind of insurance(s) do they have?

   5. Do they have powers of attorney and health care proxies in place?

2. Get your own ducks in a row.

   1. What are your expectations when it comes to financially and emotionally supporting your parents and children?

   2. Are you and your partner/spouse on the same page about the sandwich years?

   3. What is your current savings rate and how much do you expect to decrease your savings rate during the sandwich years?

   4. For how many years do you anticipate childcare costs and elder care costs?

   5. Do you anticipate paying for college too? How much of it?

   6. Do you have enough in emergency savings?

   7. Can you get rid of high interest debt?

   8. Does your job provide paid family leave? HSAs? Other caregiving benefits?

   9. Might you qualify for some tax breaks if you are caring for children & parents? (Ask your tax preparer!)

3. Have discussions with relevant parties.

   1. Estate planning attorneys, financial advisors, accountants - who do your parents have working with them? Know these people!

   2. Siblings/relatives who could also help with elder care. Caring for an aging or ill family member is a team effort. What will everyone’s role be?

4. Be clear about boundaries and limitations with parents and partner. 

   1. Don’t agree to things you can’t afford. Don’t be afraid to discuss boundaries and limits on your ability to care for loved ones.

5. Make sure everyone involved is on the same page.

   1. Where there is clarity there is peace.

This is in no way a fully comprehensive list, but I think it’s a good start! It’s not easy to discuss these things with anyone. Yet, it’ll be a lot harder if you find yourself in a sandwiched position without a plan. My hope is that if I find myself in the sandwich years, that I can really embrace and savor the time where my kids are small and my family is around. Time is fleeting and while I may be a little extra tired and with fewer dollars in my pocket during that time - I want my heart to be at its fullest.

Oh good Lord that was sincere and cheesy. Gross. Pregnancy got me in my feelings.

I’ll leave you with a few things you should know this week:

1. Mental Health America’s advice for the sandwich generation.

2. It’s officially tax season - here’s a list of everything that’s changed for the 2024 tax year.

3. Best comedy clip of 2025 thus far: Will Ferrell and Ana Gasteyer reunited as Marty and Bobbi Mohan-Culp and covered “Not Like Us”. Do we feel bad for Drake at this point? I mean…not really.

I love to love ya! Talk to you next week.

-Catie