I’m two weeks away from marrying my cousin…..wait, no, let me rephrase that. I’m two weeks away from officiating my cousin’s wedding. This is the fourth cousin I’ve married…wait, no, I’ll rephrase again. This is the fourth family wedding I’ve officiated. My fifth overall!
Let’s talk about the third wheel in most marriages: money. Some folks say money is the number one cause of divorce. Others say it’s communication. It’s pretty obvious to me it’s a combination of both, and that communicating effectively about money will make or break a couple.
So, does money really ruin marriages? The answer: not by itself. Money is a tool. What ruins marriages is what money often symbolizes: power, control, security, freedom, or that ever-elusive “American dream”.
The good news? Money can just as easily strengthen your marriage if used wisely.
Here’s the myth: if you and your partner love each other enough, the financial stuff will magically work itself out. Spoiler: it won’t. You can love your spouse with the intensity of a Hallmark Christmas movie, but if you’re avoiding conversations about credit card debt, goals for the future, or whether you’re team “save aggressively for retirement” or team “YOLO now and hope Social Security hasn’t ghosted us by 2050,” then you’re setting yourselves up for resentment.
Money doesn’t ruin marriages, but avoidance, poor communication skills, and unaligned values certainly do.
The couples who make it work aren’t the ones who never disagree. They’re the ones who make money a team sport.
Play to each other’s strengths - some people are good at budgets, others are educated investors, some are dreamers, others are pragmatists. Discover what your own strengths are, and then that of your partner, and work within those frames. It’ll help avoid big fights if you understand the human aspect of money.
Agree on big picture items and overarching family values - buying a home, deciding when to retire, communicating values to your children, these are all things that need to be agreed upon by both people in the marriage. The biggest decisions in life require compromise and a shared vision. Communicate early and often!
Have the ability to compromise - if you cannot compromise your marriage will certainly suffer. You won’t always get your way with money and neither will your partner. Learning this skill is of the utmost importance!
Allow each other some autonomy - it’s okay to give each other an allowed amount of “fun” money each month if you can afford to. We all need our hobbies and deserve to treat yourself within reason!
Speak with respect and understanding - money conversations should come from a place of mutual caring and never accusatory or shaming. Reframe your money conversations to be positive and a team effort to solve a shared issue or reach a common goal.
Talk about your money scripts and beliefs - this one takes some serious self-reflection. Talk to your spouse about how you grew up with money, what messages you received, and what beliefs you have about money. It’s powerful.
You are a team first and always. You are not opponents!
Marriage is a long-running series, and money should always be a supporting character, never the star. Here’s how to keep the spotlight where it belongs:
Don’t Keep Score - If you start tallying who makes more money or who spends more, your marriage starts to feel like a poorly refereed basketball game.
Use Humor Liberally - Laughter diffuses tension. If you can joke about your budget spreadsheet and goals, you’ll make it easier to come back to those conversations instead of dreading them.
Remember the “Why” - Money is just the means. Your relationship, your shared goals, your future, that’s the end game. If you ever feel like you’re arguing about a latte, zoom out. You’re not fighting over caffeine. You’re fighting over what money represents in your life.
At the end of the day, marriage isn’t about having identical spending habits or agreeing on whether guac is worth the upcharge. It’s about building a life together, and money is one of the bricks in that foundation.
So, does money ruin marriages? Not if you make it a character with a small recurring role instead of the lead actor who hogs all the screen time. If you keep money in its place, respect it, manage it, but never worship it, it won’t drive a wedge between you. In fact, it might just be the thing that pulls you closer.
Cents of Humor Resources!
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Until next week (oh and I’ll have some fun news for you then!!),
-Catie